CLINIC DIARY - First month in the clinic

Well, I actually wanted to do weekly postings, but somehow didn't make it. Nevertheless, I would like to summarize my experiences so far in the clinic.

At first I had very bad experiences in the first clinic, despite many phone calls with them. This brought me to the clinic where I am now, and that was a good thing. Here I was treated very differently, much more friendly and understanding. I felt that my illness was taken seriously and understood. I was also accepted directly on the day of my spontaneous arrival here. It was a load off my mind, I can tell you.

I have been here for about 1 month now and have also been working with a psychologist since then, that I´m really happy about. She is a treasure and has achieved what no therapist or so has managed before. Since Wednesday, 09.03.2022, we have started with the exposures, meaning that I face the OCD - I will go into more detail about the exposures in an extra post - and I have a good feeling with it. I think if I continue to work on it with my psychologist now, it's going in a good direction. With the medications I´m still in the adjustment, there we still have to see what really works. With the medications I´m still in the adjustment, there we still have to see what really works. In May and June I will have a so-called OCD rotation here, but one station higher.  This is an 8-week program that focuses on compulsions, depressions, etc. I have to see what really works. 

To come back to the admission and the daily routine in the clinic. I arrived here with an underweight of 47 kg. My hair was dull and lacked volume, my skin looked pale, almost grayish, and sallow. In the meantime I am back at a weight of about 53 kg and my skin and hair look much healthier again. The clinic food can be marked in the menu every week, which one would like to have. Of course, I also get folic acid and vitamins, but I still think it's really great. 

WELCOME - Hi there

Well, where do I start. I've been thinking for a long time about what would be a great first post, but somehow it's really difficult to start. But probably it would be good to start from the beginning, with me and my story, so that you first know what it's all about and what made me start this blog.

I'm Vivian, 30 years old and currently a Media Artist student. With this I have found my absolute dream job, my passion, and even if this all sounds fantastic and as if everything would be perfect and happy, there is something that has a lasting negative impact on my life, my monster in my head. This monster is called OCD, more specific a washing compulsion, and it has been living up there for about 5/6 years now. Initially it was small, a shadow ghoul that flitted through the corridors of my mind castle from time to time. But the shadow grew with time and became bigger, darker and more evil and one day it happened that it became so big, a big dark cloud with demonic grinning grimace and huge claw-like hands, that it got the upper hand and caught me completely. Since then I have been chained by my arms and legs in the dungeon of my mind castle and can´t get free. The monster, however, grows and grows and grows, feeding on my energy and thoughts, and as I grow weaker and weaker, the monster grows stronger and stronger.

"But how does it manifest itself, what does the monster do to you and what is a washing compulsion anyway?", some will ask.

Unfortunately I can't say what the decisive trigger was, but it started with the need to wash my hands over and over again, more and more often and for longer and longer periods of time, until the skin on my hands tore open and started to bleed. At that time I didn't know what it was and even less how and why it started, didn´t figured it out till now. I know what image I associate with it, but not the decisive trigger at that time 5/6 years ago. My aunt then told me, after I confided in her, that this is called washing compulsion. 

KLINIK TAGEBUCH - Erster Monat in der Klinik

Huhu ^^

Nun wollte ich eigentlich wöchentliche Postings machen, aber hab es irgendwie nicht geschafft. Dennoch möchte ich gern meine Erfahrungen bis jetzt in der Klinik zusammen fassen.

Zunächst hatte ich ja erst sehr schlechte Erfahrungen in der ersten Klinik, trotz vieler voran gegangener Telefonate mit dieser. Das hat mich dann zu der Klinik gebracht in der ich jetzt bin und das war auch gut so. Hier wurde ich nämlich gleich ganz anders behandelt, viel freundlicher und verständnisvoller. Ich habe mich direkt in meiner Erkrankung ernst genommen und verstanden gefühlt. Ich wurde dann auch direkt am Tag meines spontanen Eintreffens hier aufgenommen. Da ist mir vielleicht ein Stein vom Herzen gefallen, das sag ich euch.

Ich bin jetzt seit ca. 1 Monat hier und arbeite auch seitdem mit einer Psychologin zusammen, über die ich wirklich froh bin. Sie ist ein Goldstück und hat das erreicht, was vorher kein Therapeut oder so geschafft hat. Seit Mittwoch, 09.03.2022, haben wir jetzt mit den Expositionen angefangen, sprich damit, dass ich mich dem Zwang stelle - Auf die Expositionen werde ich in einem extra Post genauer eingehen. - und ich habe ein gutes Gefühl mit ihr. Ich denke, wenn ich jetzt weiter mit meiner Psychologin daran arbeite, geht es in eine gute Richtung. Bei den Medikamenten bin ich grad noch in der Einstellung, da müssen wir noch schauen, was wirklich wirkt. Im Mai und Juni habe ich dann hier, aber eine Station höher, einen sogenannten Zwangsturnus. Also ein 8 Wochen Programm, was auf Zwänge, Depressionen, etc ausgerichtet ist. 

Um nochmal auf die Aufnahme und den Klinik Alltag zurück zu kommen. Ich bin ja hier angekommen mit einem Untergewicht von 47 kg. Meine Haare waren matt und ohne Volumen, meine Haut wirkte blass, fast gräulich, und fahl. Mittlerweile bin ich wieder bei einem Gewicht von ca 53 kg und meine Haut und Haare sehen auch wieder viel gesünder aus. Das Klinik Essen kann man sich jede Woche im Speiseplan ankreuzen, was man gerne hätte. Natürlich bekomme ich zusätzlich noch Folsäure und Vitamine, aber dennoch finde ich das echt klasse.